Today it seems that everyone is all about drinking green beer and eating green bagels, having a grand time with friends, and generally being jolly. But not me. I’ve been having a rough time. Perhaps it’s this time of year or maybe all my medical stuff has finally gotten me down, I’m not sure. But I’ve been depressed and anxious.
I’ve been depressed before, so it’s nothing new. And I’m not writing to get your sympathy or words of advice. I’m writing for two things. One, because I like to write, it helps me to put my thoughts into words. So, this is purely selfishness. And second, maybe others are feeling the same and perhaps my words can help them feel less alone, less isolated.
Depression is nothing to be ashamed about. It’s incredibly common yet very serious. But it affects everyone differently. For me, I struggle to get things done. I loose interest in doing anything and spend my day working up the energy to shower, get off the couch, and even to eat. I simply feel like a burden to the world.
Wouldn’t everyone be better off without me? Are my medical issues and constant problems just more draining on my husband? Wouldn’t his life be better if he found a better partner? My businesses aren’t growing like I would like, why bother. I’m not making a difference in the world. No one would miss me. What’s the point of me.
At the same time I have a high level of anxiety. Which, coupled with depression is like hell. When I do get the energy to do anything it has to be questioned and scrutinized. Every action is analyzed. Every decision is planned and when plans go poorly I’m devastated.
I’m probably going to get a bed sore from laying in the same position for too long. I should get up, this is stupid. I’m stupid, my brain is probably rotting. I need to do work, I can’t make money if I don’t do work. My business is failing as I lay here. I can hear the money whooshing away. All the people are lining up to buy other peoples patterns because I’m too lazy to pick up my needles and knit today. I need to knit 10,000 sts every day for the next week to meet my deadline. But this design is probably wrong, everything I do is wrong, this pattern is wrong, I’ve made the wrong decision. Isn’t this wrong? I feel like this is wrong. Isn’t it? Is that a spider?
Having these two ailments together is like oil and water. I’m too depressed to do anything yet my brain keeps me on edge. It’s miserable. I think my brain is trying to kill me. Yes I take medicine. Yes, I see a doctor. No, I’m not in any danger. I just needed to vent.
I think it’s important to get some of these things out into the public. Too often we hide away thinking that feeling these feelings is embarrassing or something to be ashamed about. But you know what? It’s not. Mental health is something that everyone deals with in one way or another. And I’m here to say, look, I’m dealing with it.
If you have issues, then I’m with you. If you don’t, but know someone that does, then know that they suffer and it’s hard. Don’t brush them off like they should just suck it up and get on getting on. You wouldn’t tell someone who was stabbed in the gut to suck it up and get on, would you? Mental health is a serious health issue just like any other health issue, it’s just harder to see and to understand.
So, if you’re still reading, thank you for listening to my little rant. I’m thankful for your ears (eyes?). I wasn’t sure if I would actually hit publish on this post. But I feel a little better having done so. Thank you, thank you.